Joke of the week
Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice.
Anything to pass the time.
Don`t become superstitious
it`s bad luck!
How do you catch a one-of-kind-rabbit.
Unique up on him
What is the smallest unit of time?
The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you hooking his horn.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions, The trick is not to form an emotional bond in the first place.
My boss texted me the other day "Send me one of your funny jokes"
I replied "I`m working at the moment, I`ll send you one later"
He replied "That was priceless, send me another"
i spent £1000 on a reincarnation seminar, thats a lot of money.
But i thought, oh, what the hell - you only live once.
Why does the winner of the Miss Universe contest always come from Earth?
Felt sorry for a member of the Bermuda state orchestra....
..the triangle player diappeared !!
what is the opposite of imagination?
I have no idea.
I`ve put a bit of weight on recently.
The wife says it`s puppy fat, but I`ve been eating other things as well....
Ladies if a mans says he is going to fix it, he will.
Theres no need to remind him every six months about it.
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I
could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money
on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........
What do you get if you feed your cat wool?
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I
could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money
on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...........
My nephew is being sent to a child psychologist. We`d rather he saw a grown-up, but they`re so much more expensive
Paddy come home and finds his wife propping up the washing machine on one side with two bricks.
"What the hell are you doing" he asks
"Washing at 30 degrees stupid!"
I was chatting up a gipsy girl in the pub last night, when she said would you like to come back to my place and have some fun?
Well, what a understatment.....we went on the dodgems, the waltzers and the ghost train ............I even went home with a goldfish.
My mate Sid has had his ID stolen.....we now call him S
How do you find a blind man at a nudist colony ?
It`s not hard!
Having dinner at Mcdonalds tonight.
Reservations aren`t required, but I carn`t help having them!
Stop press Worlds oldest man dies.
Why does this keep happening?
My favourite word is "Pardon".
It`s a problem when people ask what my favourite word is.
Irish scientists have found out Birthdays are good for you, the more you have the longer you live.
Just had some bad news, found out that I`m colour blind....well that came out of the Orange!
How did you train the dog not to beg at the table?
I let him taste some of the wifes cooking
What starts with T, ends with T and is filled with T?
What`s smelly and goes camping?
A attractive young blonde came up to me the other day and asked what I did for a living?
"I`m a comedian" I said.
"Go on then" she said " Change colour"
The thief who is stealing t-shirts in order of size is still at large.
I brought 64 bottles of Tip-ex today....big mistake
It`s really difficult to find what you want on E-bay....I was searching for cigarette lighters and only found 10,000 matches.
People call me Mr Compromise. Wasn`t my first choice for a nickname but i can live with it.
My wife just found out that i`ve replaced our bed with a trampoline....she hit the roof.
I went onto Boots today and said " can i have a bottle of shampoo, please?
The woman said, "Extra volume?"
I said, " CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO ,PLEASE?!
My grandad was shrewd....People threw small mammals at him until he suffocated.
An eskimo comes home from a fishing to find his wife crying. "Whats the matter?" he asks.
The wife replys "my mothers just died"
The eskimo slaps her around the face.
"what was that for?" she asks
"thats for making me laugh when i`ve got chapped lips"
I raised the alarm at work today.....the dwarfs were livid.
Need some advice, just been offered 8 legs of venison...is that two deer?
In a recent survey, six out of seven dwarfs said they weren`t happy!
A husband and wife are out driving, not talking after a big row, they pass a pig farm and the wife asks sarcastically " relatives of yours? "
" Yep " says the husband " in-laws "
Condoms don`t guarantee safe sex anymore!....a man wearing one was shot dead by the womans husband.
I had a quality piece of wood on the wall that a kept all my Dusty Springfield records on,
Now I`ve sold all my records, I just don`t know what to do with my shelf.
Yesterday, my mother asked me to hand out the invitations for my brother`s surprise birthday party, that`s when I realised he was her favourite twin.
My wife was rushed into hospital last night suffering from swine flu.
I was in a state of shock and my hands were shaking. With a lump in my throat, I nervously asked the doctor the question I hoped I would never have to ask:
" How do you use the washing machine? "
A young boy walks into the room carrying an armchair under one arm and a sofa under the other.
"Where did you get that?" asks his father.
"From the man in the park" says the little boy.
"What have I told you about taking suites from strangers?"
In the begining, God created the Earth and reasted. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Just sold my vacuum cleaner on E-bay...well, it was only gathering dust.
I lost in the pub quiz last night by just one point. The question was `where do woman mostly have curly hair ? ` ....apparently it`s Africa.
Locals are said to be in a state of shock after police found a stash of guns and drugs behind the job centre in Liverpool yesterday.
A spokesman for the city said " the people of Liverpool had no idea they had a job centre".
My mates has got himself a new girlfriend, he thought she was from Poland, but it took her five days to hoover the house.....turns out shes a Slovak.
Over 50`s keep fit
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you can have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5lb potato bag in each, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute and then relax.
Each day you`ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb bags.
Then try 50lb patato bags and eventually try to get where you can lift a 100lb patato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a minute. ( I`m at this level )
After you fell confident at that level, put a patato in each bag.
Two glamour models were found frozen to death in the snow outside a cinema, they had queued for two weeks to see " Closed for winter"
Mars, Galaxy, Milky way.... why do astronomers have this obsession with chocolate?
My girlfriend left me a note: " I`m leaving you because you`re stupid and bigoted."
Well, I`m not stupid, just dyslexic, and I can`t help it if I`ve got big toes.
Our garden is only 36 inches wide, more of a yard really.
I visited a karaoke bar last night and found they didn`t play any seventies music.....first i was afraid, i was petrified...
Why is it impossible to combine the heating of milk with any other pursuit whatsoever?
I`ve got my first cage fight next week, the budgie won`t know whats hit him.
If at first you do not succeed...then skydiving is not for you.
I was reading this book today, the history of glue...I couldn`t put it down.
Police are searching for a tiny clairvoyant who`s escaped from prison..she`s described as a small medium at large.
Police station toilets have been stolen...they have nothing to go on.
The mother-in-law came round unexpectedly the other day...thats the last time I buy cheap chloroform.
Seen Dolly Pardon`s new shoes?..neither has she!
I had my boobs measured and brought a new bra, now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they`re up where they belong.
Why are pirates called pirates?
They just arrrgghhhhhh!!!
I lay, I lay, I lay
Why did the chicken only cross half the road?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken foot.
Why did the chicken and the cow cross the road?
To go to the Moo-ooovies.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How many intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, have a look to see what`s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in the bed and go to the fridge.
What did God say when he created Adam ?
I can do better than this.
What`s a mans idea of a balanced diet?
A beer in each hand.
My mate Sid was the victim of ID theft, He`s just called S now!
I`ll tell what makes my blood boil....Crematoriums
Who are the coolest blokes at the hospital?
The ultra-sound guys.
What hangs from a mans thigh and wants to poke a hole thats often poked before?
What happened when the bloke stuck his hose into one of the mounds in his garden?
He made a fountain out of a molehill
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Why don`t cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many Cheetahs.
What goes, Tick, Tock, Woof, Woof?
A watch dog.
What goes Ooooooooooo,Oooooooooo!?
A cow with no lips.
Why don`t oysters give to charity?
Because they are shellfish.
What goes black, white, black, white...?
A Panda rolling down a hill.
Nothing succeeds like a budgie with no teeth.
Better than a flu jab
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Kauto Star in the 2.15.'
Three girls, a Brunette, Red head and a Blonde escape from prison, they run across fields hotley pursed by the prison officers. The girls find a farm and run into the barn to hide. In there they find some empty sacks and decide to hide inside untill the wardens have gone. But the wardens follow them inside and start searching, a warden prods the sack with the Brunette inside and she goes "meow" he then prods the sack with the Red head in and she goes " Chuck Chuck" lastley he prods the the sack with the Blonde in and she goes "Potatos"
The wifes just left me, She took my Bob Marley collection and the satalite tv.......I`m gutted.....no woman, no sky.
Paddy sat a the bar getting more pissed and more annoyed trying to work out why he`s only got three brothers and his sisters got four.
A bloke goes into a brothel and asks " How much for humiliation? "
The madam tells him " £37.50 "
" And what do I get for that ? "
" A morrisons uniform "
A young pikey girl`s sat with her mom the night before her wedding. Her mom says to her " I want to talk to you about your wedding night. Your husband will want to put his most prized posession where you pee"
The girl turns to her mom and says " Why would he want to put his tarmacing rake in the sink? "
David Blaine might think he`s the worlds greatest illusionist. But I can walk into any bar in the world and I instantly become invisable to all women.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said "White", they lectured me on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
Damn them Hovis witnesses.
Played my air guitar last night, put it down to make a cup of tea, now I carn`t find the bloody thing
The government has uncovered a plot that terrorists are putting bombs in alphabet spaghetti. If one goes off it could spell disaster.
When I was a kid, my dad was a binman. I used to hate it when he was supposed to pick me up from school. Not that I was embarrassed that he was a binman, it was just that I never knew which day he was supposed to be come.
One bloke says to another "My wife is an angel."
The second replies "You are lucky, mines still alive"
When I left home, my Mom said,"dont forget to write."
I thought, "thats unlikely....it`s a basic skill
The good thig about being a Kleptomaniac is you can always take something for it.
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is
developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach
our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him
in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs
out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach
the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer…..
A mum was cleaning her 14 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband what to do.
Her husband says " well whatever you do, I dont think spanking will do any good!!"
After all this time my wife still gets mad when I use her toothbrush. Mad. Yet she doesn`t come up with a better way of getting dog poo out of trainers!!
There`s been a power cut in Dublins largest department store today.......some customers have been stuck on the escalators for over three hours!
Just booked a flight to New York with US airways. When asked where I would like to sit, I said " preferably the shallow end"
You have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life.
How many fish do you have left ?
Stop counting you you daft brush....fish can`t drown.
Thoughts of the day
Marriage changes passion:
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper..
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
This apparently genuine letter was sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued customer and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.. ... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror and combed his hair...for 40 minutes.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'
A Englishman stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says are you on foot or in a car?
The Englishman says in a car, Paddy says that`s the quickest.
Sky are showing the world Origami championships tomorrow night, It`s paper view.
Harry Hills jokes
~ DID you hear about the flea who won the lottery? He bought a dog in Spain.
~ HUSBAND: I hate to say this, but your swimming costume is very tight and very revealing.
WIFE: Wear your own, then.
~ WHICH boy band is made of flour, butter, eggs & sugar? Cake that.
~ WHAT fairytale character is banned from Merryhill shopping centre? Little red riding hoodie.
~ WHICH fruit does a lot for charity? Pudsey pear.
~ I took my dog to a flea circus, and he stole the show.
~ WHAT do you call an adult baloon? A blown up.
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks likes it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
Some famous put downs
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford (one flash & it's gone. ha)
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in England, York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!
B & Q
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with
an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in
and sorted the bastard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Pass this warning on.
Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
"What happened to you ?" asks his boss. " I fell down two flights of stairs," Johnson answers.
"That took you a whole hour?"
Apparently, you can tell a lot about someone`s personality from what they`re like.
I was given these pyjamas with pockets in them the other week....which is great because, before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept.
80 year old
An 80-year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her, "Would you mind telling me a little about your first three husbands and what they did for a living?
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly.
"I first married a banker when I was in my early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in my 40's, later on a preacher when in my 60's, and now in my 80's a funeral director."
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked, "Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?"
She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
A lady walks into a very upscale jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. Bending over to get a closer look, she accidently passes gas.
Extremely embarrassed, she freezes for a few moments and then slowly straightens up and turns around to see whether anyone has noticed her little accident.
Her worst fears are confirmed in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, the salesman greets the lady with a very
professional, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Hoping against hope that he may just not have been there at the time of
her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet? '
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price.
Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped do wn his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days the famous Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that customers may get a raw deal.
A finance spokesperson announced that the Origami Bank hopes their loss will only be on paper, the Sumo Bank will help it's cause by selling stamps and the Bonsai Bank hope to nip their problems in the bud. Only the Kamikaze Bank is expected to crash and a spokesperson for the Karaoke Bank claimed that "They will survive".
When a woman wears a leather dress
A man's heart beats quicker,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck.
Subject: Smart people
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBCMIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Trelinski:France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
Pensioners: Last Of The ..?
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIOMANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . .
Leslie: He makes cakes .. . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
Famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER ... ER
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIOBRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
That, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIONEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
Sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Presenter: That's close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
Character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Jesus and Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the ! owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license..
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
The bride on her wedding night says to her husband. "There`s something I must confess to you, darling. I was once a hooker."
The groom is shocked but, after a moment, replies, " That`s all right, dear. Your past is your past. Actually, I must admit I find it quite erotic. Tell me more. "
" Well," says the bride. " my name was Gareth and I played for Wigan. "
A lawyer drives through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. He thinks that he`s cleverer than the officer and decides to talk his way out of a fine.
" Licence and registration, please " says the policeman. " What for? 2 says the solicitor.
" You didn`t stop at the stop sign."
" I slowed down and no one was coming."
" You still didn`t come to a complete stop "
" What`s the difference?"
" The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that`s the law. Licence and registration, please! "
" If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, " says the lawyer, "I`ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go."
" Get out of the vehicle please, sir. " says the PC
The solicitor gets out of the car and the policeman starts beating him with his truncheon. " Do you want me to stop? " asks the PC, " Or just slow down? "
" you and your wife have nothing in commom, " I lectured colin. " why on earth did you get married ?"
" It was the old business of `opposites attract`," sighed my mate. " she was pregnant, I wasn`t."
Fitted a new smoke alarm yesterday.
" Now check the appliance is working, " it said on the box.
So I set fire to the sofa......
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's Bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you Use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Husband & Wife
Husband and wife on their 10th wedding aniversary. The wife undresses and says 'What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago'? The husband said 'I wanted to f*** your brains out'. She says 'What are you thinking now'? Husband says 'Looks like I did a pretty good job'!
I was asked to do a 10 mile fun run. I said 'No way - I'm useless'. Then they said 'Come on - it's for blind people'. Then I thought 'Sod it - I could win this......'
It was Sunday morning, and the vicar was delivering his sermon at morning service. He pointed to a man in the congregation and said 'You - you think of nothing but money. You are driven by your greed for money. In fact, you are so obsessed with money, you even married a woman called Penny'.
He continues to rant and picks on another man in the congregation. 'You - you have an obsession with food. You are driven by your greed for food. In fact, you are so obsessed with food you even married a woman called Honey'.
At this point, the man sitting at the back of the church drags his wife up by the arm and shouts out 'Come on Fanny, we don't have to sit here and listen to this'!
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a supermarket when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence - I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."
Six year old
Six year old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. " What`s the matter? " asked his mother.
" Daddy was hanging a picture and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry
" That`s not so serious," soothed his mother. " A big man like you shouldn`t cry at a trifle like that, why didn`t you just laugh? "
" I did " sobbed Jerry
I bought a book about anti-gravity. It was really hard to put down.
Max, the young camel, walks into his parent`s room at 3am and asks for a glass of water.
" Another one? says his father. " That`s the second this month "
Two Eskimo newlyweds really go for it on their first night together. The next morning, the bride finds out she`s six months pregnant.
Very much the worse for wear, a drunk stumbles across an evangelical mass-baptism service by a river. He wades into the water and stands next to the preacher. " my son, are you ready to find Jesus? " the preacher asks.
"yeah, sure, " say the drunk. The minister dunks him under the water and pulls him back up. " have you found Jesus? "
"No, I didn`t, " says the drunk. The preacher dunks him under foe a bit longer. " Have you found Jesus? "
" No, I have not, Reverend " The preacher holds the man under for more than 30 seconds. " By all the saints, " he says "have you found Jesus this time? "
The drunk, splutter, wipes his eyes and say, " Look, are you sure this is where he fell in? "
AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYERS REPORT!!!!!!
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
||The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole
time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said," Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night ."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed,
patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me
Only in America
Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield d ecided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch
and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America
and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read
it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he
would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another
picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Smart, but you still get a sign
Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,
but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over
21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to
him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his
driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put
the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two
This guy definitely needs a sign.
Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of plexi-glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your sign.
(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her
bedside table. At first he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so
why should he. But after a month or so he begins to obsess about it; even imagining the photo
is staring at him during sex. It's causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask
her about it. "Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies,
snuggling up to him. "Another boyfriend then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says,
nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who the hell is he then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.
Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
A good woman
Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing
hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim
says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she
hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then
thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women
like that are hard to find."
Two old men
Two 70 year old men, Nev and Vic, have been friends all their lives.
Vic is dying, so Nev comes to visit himevery day.
"Vic," says Nev, "You know how we have both loved cricket all our lives,and
how we played together for so many years. Vic, you have to do me one favour.
when you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow
you've got to let me know if there's cricket in Heaven."
Vic looks up at Nev from his death bed, and says, "Nev, you've been my best friend many years,
If it is at all possible, I'll try to let you know." Shortly after that, Vic passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later. Nev is sound asleep when he is
awakened by a blinding flash of white light. A voice calls out to him, "Nev....Nev...."
"Who is it?" says Nev sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Nev, it's me, Vic."
"Come on. You're not Vic. Vic just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Vic!"
"Vic? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Vic, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and some bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Nev.
"The good news is that there is cricket in Heaven. Better yet, all our old
chums who've gone before us are here too.
And better still, we're all young men again.
Even better, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play cricket all we want and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Nev, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams!
But, what's the bad news?" asks Nev.
"You're opening the batting next Tuesday".
Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.
As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the Pilot
let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load
and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out
what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
These are supposedly true stories but if they are still funny.
I was at the golf store Comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story.
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York , the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees
and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".
No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing
all the way and so were half of the passengers.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
An elderly couple are in the doctors.The husband, a little hard of hearing is told by the doctor,
" I need a urine sample, a stool and a seamen sample "
He turns to his wife and asks " what did he say ?"
His wife replys " he needs your underpants !"
We`ve just been to the pet shop to buy a gold fish. The bloke asked us if we wanted an aquarium, I said I don`t care what star sign he is.
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Blair & the Hooker
Tony Blair started jogging near his home at Chequers.Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the corner of the lane.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five Pounds!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's corner, Tony realized she'd
bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog
past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled
"See what a fiver gets you!!!
A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains. She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some
picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex ? Me neither."
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog holiday at the taxidermist."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem ?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
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